the RANDOM word vomit.

Lalalala... i'm getting fatter day by day, despite me knowing this, i still eat like i dont care.
i somehow feel that it has to do with my shattered ego, someone broke it into pieces.
i really dont know why i am so annoyed yet thrilled...

I feel lazy everyday. feels like i am having some kind of sickness every other day. I cough,sneeze, have fever, but i know the sickness i am talking bout or feeling bout is not the normal virus infections...

its more... terrifying than that.

i;ve gone through much, kinda tired of it all, but still somehow couldnt satisfy my hunger and needs.

i've lost something, but i dont know what it is~ still searching for the answer...
I've gained something, but i dont know how to appreciate it... its so stupid of me...

I'm confused but i am clear of what i am supposed to do... so i do it...
I'm angry with the fact that people has to stop my path.. but i'd break the wall
I'm avoiding a bloody battle when i know i can win the war... and i did...
I'm convinced that someone out the cant stand the mere sight of me. I undestand.. so look away.

i dunno wat title to put.

seriously. i have lost touch with my creative ideas on what to type in a blog. sometimes i feel like closing this blog down and opening another one.

but there are plenty of memories here. i mean in this blog.
I jot down probably 60% of the happenings in my life here.
somehow, i dont sound so addicted to blog anymore right? haha!
but truly, some of my deepest darkest secrets and revealed here.


just that, some of them aren't posted up for anyone to view it. its still in "draft" mode...

i know it sounds ridiculous, i have a friend telling me to go get a diary to jot down secret stuffs and stash em some where...

I HAVE THEM. and most of them sounded so childish that i myself, is laughing at the content.

but those are true feelings from me, at that time. i was angry, depressed, happy, confused!!!
it was the memories i value. since the tonsil operation, i've forgotten half my childhood, had to remember it by people reminding me (like telling me stories and stuff) refreshing... refreshing my damn memory.

why cant i have the damn amnesia AFTER i've ditched the asshole huh?! at least i can forget his STUPID voice, SHARP tounge and ANNOYING FACE!!! *punches wall*


i can see that i complain most of the time in this blog.
i dont think i will stop complaining. EVER.


see, this whole post kinda feels like i am complaining anyway.....

Genting Trip 23/8 to 26/8~~

WELL the title says it all! ^^
yea, my lao gong and i went to genting to stay for 4 days and 3 nights. it was a wonderful trip overall...
slept off in the bus for almost the entire journey hahaaha~~ it was funny i can even play games on my laptop in the bus~~ that was when we were about to reach~~ XD

checked in the hotel pretty fast... coz i've booked the hotel rooms online, using the green card.. so we can use the check-in kiosk, which is simple and fast!~ no need for the hassle of waiting~~ haha!

i was quite shocked that we got the room on the 27th floor. YEAH U HEARD ME RIGHT. 27th!!! my favourite number, and the highest floor was 28!!! IMAGINE the height!

when we arrived at the room door, we did our lil ritual of knocking the door before entering.. its been a belief that the knocking of the door is to give respect to the ones "living" in the room~ telling that we are entering~ and asking them to "give way" to us who are gonna be there for a short period of time..

I flushed the toilet, since my lao gong is the one who knocked the door. (another belief, but i dont know the reason) and went straight to the window, coz i am VERY curious to see how high it is, (i havent stayed in the 2nd highest floor before so far...)
AND IT WAS DAMN SCARY!!! haha~ XD

first day was a blur, coz we dont know where to go... and in the end, we went to eat and drop by the casino~~ of coz.... we gambled... LOL! its like a temptation.. u cant just stand there and watch other people gamble!~ you would want to try your luck as well! but sadly, our luck is not today.. lost bout 300~ LOL

but its okay.. coz my sister joined us in genting~ she arrived at night! and we sat at starbucks chit-chatting away~ ^^  I AM JUST so HAPPY to see her~ XD coz i've been missing her lately...

************
2nd DAY~
THE BEST DAY of the entire trip!~ the sun is shinning, nice weather, no rain~ A DAY FILLED WITH FUN, SCREAMS,and LAUGHTER! XD

I accomplished my goal on this very day, which is to ride all the thrill rides. ^^ I LOVE SPACE SHOT! got caught on video screaming like a mad woman! XD it was AWESOME! triple AWESOMEness XD

Flying Coaster is another thrill ride i really love.. the feeling of flying~~ haha... just amazing. almost lost my voice screaming my heart out! LOL
Cockscrew is a classic ride... the double 360 is all i longed to feel... haha!my sister was so nervous, she got on the ride and started mumbling "scared la weihh..." "nervous la weihhh..." >w< haha!!!

THE BEST WAS THE LOG RIDE >w<
my lao gong knew, that the log ride will drench us~ and he refused to get on the ride.. but i wanted to ride it! (never been on it)  so me, my sis and reuben got on the log and held on each other~ and then CAME THE SPLASH!!!! OMG i didnt know we will be THIS drenched!!! LOL LOL LOL we were quite evil coz we actually laughed at the couple behind us who were wearing only t-shirts.. haha!! we were being total monkeys, swinging the boat side to side, singing "row,row, row your boat~ gently down the stream~~" LOL
the second splash was WORSE, coz it was a bigger one... and rueben's shoe masuk air... LOL

I realise, many ppl actually used to look up to me...

yeah, not being thick-faced or anything, but i somehow realise, there used to be people who looked up to me. follow in my footsteps, act the way i acted and wanted what i wanted.

now they are all grown up, all changed, became someone else and someone special and talented...... 

while i sit at the side bench and watch them achieve success one after another.
i used to be the leader of the group, but now i am cast aside for them to lead on another group.

useless huh? 
amazingly, i know i never lost respect for myself. (hopefully some still respects me)
no matter how disappointed i am with my life and my achievements, i never once think i am the worst of the lot... coz i know, there are people that are a lot worse than me.

i am certainly proud that once upon a time i was being first at something, no matter how messed up it was, i am happy that i went through that phrase of life.

certainly, its impossible to regain that feeling now since i have no one to lead anymore. LOL!!
but i guess its fine, i can still lead myself to the path i want to thread upon...

*************
I know i am a very direct person, and those who knows me well, or had the chance to communicate with me would know that i am a direct person. i hate beating around the bush (unless i am trying to prank a person or i am digging secrets).. so why do people have to be "offended" by what i say? knowing fully well i wont compliment someone unless i mean it, and i wont give face if u did something wrong... (and the same one again and again)................ who wont get fed up and screw ur ass up??

*************
I like compliments. even those that has a sarcastic tone to it. why? it brightens my day. I like how the Brits will go when (lets say) you finished a project.. "WELL DONE! you did a GREAT JOB!"


see how THAT compliment puts a smile on your face immediately?
Too bad, being Malaysians, we were brought up in such a negative environment. even when u achieve something, the parents will not say what the brits would say...
for example, a 12 yr old kid came home telling the mother bout the results.

child: Mom!! i got 5 As in the mid term exam! look look! 
Mom: oh really? *grabs report card and scan through it*
Child: So, can i have the PS2 you promised me? >w< *high in hopes and anticipation*
Mom: 5As also no use, you are not in the TOP 10 of the class! You are number 14 in the class, still not good enough! no PS2 for u!

Child: *shocked*








=_= what happened to the compliments, the rubbing of the head, the SMILE to the child for something achieved...etc etc???

I AM SO thankful... MY mom wasn't like that.

**************************
~**[Hi]Me**~

Now... 11/7/2011~~~

Its one of those days where I have nothing much to say, nor any particular topic to blog about...

upon completing 4 orders of yukatas, I have been rewarding myself generously to Maple Story gaming, sushi eating and quality time sleeping. HAHAHAHAHAHA. yeah i am happy. for all the hardwork i've done, to see the results are like finishing the icing design on a 3 storey tower cake... SWEET and BEAUTIFUL.

One of my BELOVED creations, which i actually tried to do for the FIRST TIME, its a Wa-Loli... ^^

:::: Wa-Loli is a type of Lolita fashion, which infuses Japanese Kimino's designs (be it fabrication or patterns) into the clothing. :::::

haha.. i dont have make up on.. but i like this pose!!! XD

To show off the lace and the leggings!!! 

This is a Male Yukata.. yeah, simple.... (i know) LOL

how the back looks like. Notice the Obi... its 4 metres long! CAN U IMAGINE!!! =_=

 Well, I am actually doing a small business on facebook... i have my page, CLICK >>>>> butterflyhime27 <<<<< to see. ^^

for this bon odori, I noticed alot of people are actually looking for yukatas for the event, but had to let the idea go coz the yukata is too darn expensive (to order online) or cant be found (in Penang, etc) or its a last min purchasing. haha!  NEXT YEAR, I am planning to sell Pre-made Yukatas.. so I am looking forward for a  good year next year!!! YAHOOOOO!!! XD


so this year,
I am also doing cosplay costumes... MAINLY coz of Comic Fiesta 2011.

on the list now is

1) Naruto costume.. Deidara -my cousin
2) A French Dress... (original french dress like for a duchess).. a customer..
3) more naruto costumes by my cousin's friends
4) an anime char suit, by a friend...
5) and MY OWN COSPLAY COSTUME!!!! >w< hahahahahah!

Things are getting busy, but i feel its worth every single pain and sweat once i see the END results. ^^

just another day, another worry

there is endless things for me to worry about. i worry bout my weight, my body size, my love life, my money, my this my that...

gosh, lucky my white hair production is slow, or else i'd have a head full of white hair!!!!

i cant stop worrying... and if that is not a terrible crime already, i have more worries!
recently lao gong is being very active, socially. he found the joys of using fb as communication tool... and recently have connections with some school mates..... which kinda worries me... coz he is talking bout meeting them someday already..

=_= why cant i actually be from co-ed school. then it will get to him like it gets to me righttttt... ok i being totally self-absorbent here. haha!

is this jealousy? yeah.. i think it is... the changes in his manner of speech worries me.. it seems that his heart is shifting... ugh..

if there is a break up, i would like to be the one calling it off. i hate being dumped. if theres any dumping, i want it from me. lol. i am that bad.

sigh.... what am i to do? i cant hide the jealousy feeling from him coz he ade feelin it~~~ shyt.


help!!!

just be friends~~ lalalala~

this song got stuck on my head recently. thanks to my sis. =_= LOL

although the meaning of this song is kinda sad, the tune is so upbeat  haha!~

i;ve been down with high fever for 3 to 4 days i think, i am not exactly sure how long. but my bf said it was for about a week i was having fever. A WEEK! imagine man. wtf.
why am i so weak... =_= seriously weird man.

post number 241....

since i started blogging, almost everything i say seems negative, uncontrolled and somewhat immature...

and reading back, i realise, some things that i say does not reflect my true feelings and desire....

i am starting to doubt i got the guts to tell something so straightforwardly-truthful to anyone anymore LOL

i am getting bored being someone i think i was, and i am not convinced i am actually liking the new me.

yeah, this is gonna be another freaking negative blogpost. i have no regrets being who i am really, its just sometimes, i tend to feel left out and unwanted. sometimes, i feel like i am not in the spotlight anymore.. and that "sometime" might be a longer time than i thought would be.

nope, i am not interested to look for any guys anymore... nor am i looking for richness and fame...
i just want to feel wanted, sometimes.

obviously this feeling is kinda deep and dense for some people to understand... which is not making me feel any better.

oh well. the world does not consists of only me. i have to share it with 7 billion other people...

only in my world, can i ever be happy.

haha...

ah... i am back here ranting craps again...

ok i got to discuss bout the "stresses" or "problems" that WANTS me to be fat.

I cant seem to think of anything suddenly, when i have to address my stress. perhaps my mind is in denial, and wants me to think everything is ok...  thats why i dont seem to remember what is the reason behind me fighting with my bf/mum/sis/anyone after the fight. my brain just shuts it out totally.... and thats... not really good.

***************
OK FOCUS!

whats the reason(s) that makes my body feel it needs to be fat?!
UGH >.<

ok maybe i just list what comes to my mind.
*note, this is honesty, may hurt some peeps, so just dont take it to heart yeh... *

1) I feel unimportant all the time. no matter what i do or say, i always feel i am a "number two". ok i kiasu i admit.... lalalalala~

2) I always compare myself with others. perhaps its my defense mechanism, i feel i have to be in the spotlight all the time, but people just wont put me there! so i put myself there. WAHAHAHAHAH. so i compare. especially with my sis. lalalaala~~~

3)weird.. i feel happy alone sometimes. with no one bugging me and all, i can do/say watever i want. i feel free. i never liked to be controlled by anyone.. hahaha... (whats the connection of being fat? >.<)

4)um..... wat else... =_=  emotional abuse eh.... yup,i'm kinda used to have emotional abuse already. no matter what i do, whether right or wrong, people will just blame me. yeah, blame me for being kaypo with their problems, blame me for helping them after i helped them, blaming me for giving them suggestions that they took but wound up wrong coz of their own stupid actions... its easier blaming me, so they made me a scapegoat.

5) mental abuse.... [perhaps more from my late granny].... she never liked me since i was a kid. even if i brought home better results than my sis, or do something better than her, my late granny will just favour her more than me. i am physically abused by her as well, [how would u feel if u were chased around the house with a knife?]... even after she passed away, maybe i am used to the abuse, and allow others to abuse me like that as well. =_= ok i sound like a total dumbass now.

6) friends... who dont think i am important enough to contact unless they have problems to discuss. oh dont get me wrong, i love to listen to my friends, but at least spare me some kindness and ask ME how i feel sometimes, u know what i mean?  

ok i am gonna wrap this up.

no matter how i write of u...

i still will love u...
although the love is not as deep as before, although it has actually gone sour a little... i couldn't let you go completely.

I know, i whine alot and make u go crazy..
but hey, this is me.. and if u cant accept me as how i am now.. u got to be ready to accept i might leave you alone anytime soon.

coz i will not and cannot tolerate someone like my ex at all. i never liked someone to control my doings, i dont like someone to tell me what i SHOULD be interested in, i hated and loathed the idea of dressing up to your ideals.

if i wanna wear a yukata out to someplace, just be happy i wont invite u together with me.

coz i know you never liked me in japanese costumes.

but what can i do bout that huh?

i'll just be patient.

hopefully you will understand my otaku-ness and everything! coz i really love those stuffs! i know its weird in your eyes and will (probably) make u feel ashamed...

but how come my mom is not ashamed of me? i wore the top part of the yukata (*yah, the one with the dangling sleeves) to a facial and my mom didn't protest a word!

i wore the same yukata to my grandmother's house and all the aunty and uncles praised me when they found out that i MADE that yukata (top)...


i wonder what is making u loath at the fact i love these stuff?

i seriously don't get it.