xmas... was a lil fun, but this is the day i discover...



i am totally forgotten by one... and totally NOTHING to the other...



i just have to accept my bitter fate...

i.. am... nothing...

truly..

since i am kinda stressed by sum certain stuff.. i can't even really kill myself.. so i kinda took a wrong turn...
and smoked, instead.

i kinda forced myself to stop, thinking this is it.
sadly, i am wrong. this year's xmas... is like a day that is not even registered on my body calendar... i can't even feel one bit of xmas joy...

being around him is like being with a fountain of choc fondue, every1 wants a dip of him... and.. i had to share... because i do not own him...
and it gets weirder when i am actually saddened by that. ahahaha. but i do not show it.. definately..
i am so good at concealing the fact that i am unhappy that i sometimes forget that i am actually pretending...

having the focus and attention taken away from you is a very very very crappy thing. i do not wish to elaborate on this matter any further.
oh well, it means i have to make do with whatever lil attention i have left, no?

maybe this is very foolish of me... or maybe very proud and overconfident? but truly..... if anyone is actually lookin for someone beyond the media-influenced beauty...
i will give you the best... i will make you happy.. i will make you smile..i will give you space.. i will be your pillar.. i will hold you up.. i will make you number 1.. i will give you everything... i will... i will...YOU.. are my world...

however... guys... still goes for those commercial beauty.. and mind you... i am not even 1% near one....its ok.. i am used to it... i am just... just... JUST..... nothing.

dead...

the anastasia... tat is so proud of herself.. finally kills herself. in a manner... without shedding a drop of blood.... but... drown herself in it.

i feel... so terrible. i am a slut. i am a whore. i am a bitch. i am the worst kind anyone could imagine! i am the bad one, the one who deserves nothing the one who feels nothing and the one who thinks only of herself.

as these tears rolls from the eyes to the cheeks.. i wipe them away to comfort myself, "oh anastasia just calm down"

wat do i want? to die.

dying... will solve my stupid complicated life. and only when i am down... people pay attention to me... u know how fucking saddening is tat!

i practically have to be in sadness to have someone to sms me! oh my fuckin gosh i suck ass man

dammit i am so worthless! no one misses me, no one needs me and hell! NO ONE WANTS ME!

ahhahahahahHAHAhAHAHAHAhahAHahAHhHAHAhahAhahAHAHAHHAAHAhAhAhAhAHahahHAHAhHAHAHHAhAhAhAhahHAahAHahAHahAHahahahHAHa

what if...
i am not female, i am born a man instead?

what if...
i am not that open-minded, just a mere conservative bitch?

how i wish sometimes.. just sometimes.... i am not myself...

~cont...

so.. confession~
is so confusing... he and i... we have chemistry, think almost alike, and can even finish each other's sentances... has almost same interests...

we can just talk the whole day, we can laugh in each other's company, we can make each other calm, happy and relaxed...we annoy each other too sumtimes.. just having so much fun!~

but... why do i feel so wrong?? its like.. i am gambling, and somehow its 50-50 chance.. tat dreaded feeling just ragged through my soul.

i feel like i am a bitch... somehow.. i break his heart... and then i go and make him confused and somehow.. made him cheat.

freaky huh, a not-so pretty girl like me...with absolutely no body figure.... can actually do such bad things... and more...

i am so confusing and complicated.. but he reads me like a magazine! he is like, created for me.. his lips are so suitable against mine.. my hands fits nicely in his grip... i feel so comfortable, warm, safe, protected, wanted... for a split second... i forget...

i forget... that my heart is not healed... i forget that i am being selfish... i forget... that he is not mine.... for a split second...
i feel that i can be his... and i know he feels the same way too for a moment,just that moment.... given his reaction to my kisses and hugs......

and i cried in his arms.... telling him i am so sorry... i can't give you my heart... i said... i just can't... i'm so sorry... i am so afraid to hurt you....

he comforted me and said it was okay....
even though its not...

but he too, is confused... how does he choose?
his heart is not open for me too, i suppose? i may not be his type....
he described his dream girl.... the one he WANTS to marry....

and i maybe delusioning... but... i feel... it could be me....

should i take the chance....
or should i hide..
should i come about...
or should i cry

should i show him my heart..
or should i keep it...
should i give it a start...
or should i forget it...

i am so confusing.. haha. i know... and basically...i dun even know who am i talking about.... hehehehe.........

this post.. may only be understandable for people who seriously know me.

is it alrite to confess?

haha.
i think i did.
and i din get the respond tat i wanted...

sum1 confessed to me. he even hugged me, kissed me and we made sweet love....

oh. i was juz kiddin bout the sweet love heheheheh...
he is so sweet. i know he feels for me... coz he been hinting me quite sum time...

sigh. and i had 2 crush his heart.
coz i can't feel for him the same way he feels for me....

*will cont~