hime is downright depressed.

i hate being here. when my family and friends say

 "be patient, the opportunity will come, you will go places someday..."

i cant seem to believe a single bit of it.

i used to believe in miracles. i used to think, "oh its okay, no matter, i'll try it again..."
but now i feel watever i do is to no avail.
since the opportunity is rather, to someone else.

i know its hard work and labour.. i know its all work and no play.. but why does it seem so far from me even though i am ready to face all of that hardships for a better future?

i walked in with a smile on my face. ready to greet and present myself at best. i was excited, i was happy, i was so thrilled to be in the room! even if my stomach was filled with butterflies and my heart was about to stop...
i gave it my 150%! i never wanted something so much in my entire life! i wanted them to call my name and tell me i got through the first round.... but sadly.. i never heard it. never had i been so disappointed with myself.

i had gone through alot of interviews.. (not for this proffession though...) and i somehow take the reject blow better.

for this... i can say, definately... those rejected me that day... killed my heart and ate up my soul.
i became this monster, this creature that now obessess with her face, her body, her fats..
i used to like my body, even though i outgrown some clothes... i still manage to say "wow, nice ass!" or "oh well, i guess its an excuse to go on a shopping spree!"

now... i cant seem to do that anymore..

i.. hated myself being fat/plump. i cry... i whine... oh gosh.....
wats happening to me?!




thanks to those people that day....

hime became a hopeless freak.