haha...

ah... i am back here ranting craps again...

ok i got to discuss bout the "stresses" or "problems" that WANTS me to be fat.

I cant seem to think of anything suddenly, when i have to address my stress. perhaps my mind is in denial, and wants me to think everything is ok...  thats why i dont seem to remember what is the reason behind me fighting with my bf/mum/sis/anyone after the fight. my brain just shuts it out totally.... and thats... not really good.

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OK FOCUS!

whats the reason(s) that makes my body feel it needs to be fat?!
UGH >.<

ok maybe i just list what comes to my mind.
*note, this is honesty, may hurt some peeps, so just dont take it to heart yeh... *

1) I feel unimportant all the time. no matter what i do or say, i always feel i am a "number two". ok i kiasu i admit.... lalalalala~

2) I always compare myself with others. perhaps its my defense mechanism, i feel i have to be in the spotlight all the time, but people just wont put me there! so i put myself there. WAHAHAHAHAH. so i compare. especially with my sis. lalalaala~~~

3)weird.. i feel happy alone sometimes. with no one bugging me and all, i can do/say watever i want. i feel free. i never liked to be controlled by anyone.. hahaha... (whats the connection of being fat? >.<)

4)um..... wat else... =_=  emotional abuse eh.... yup,i'm kinda used to have emotional abuse already. no matter what i do, whether right or wrong, people will just blame me. yeah, blame me for being kaypo with their problems, blame me for helping them after i helped them, blaming me for giving them suggestions that they took but wound up wrong coz of their own stupid actions... its easier blaming me, so they made me a scapegoat.

5) mental abuse.... [perhaps more from my late granny].... she never liked me since i was a kid. even if i brought home better results than my sis, or do something better than her, my late granny will just favour her more than me. i am physically abused by her as well, [how would u feel if u were chased around the house with a knife?]... even after she passed away, maybe i am used to the abuse, and allow others to abuse me like that as well. =_= ok i sound like a total dumbass now.

6) friends... who dont think i am important enough to contact unless they have problems to discuss. oh dont get me wrong, i love to listen to my friends, but at least spare me some kindness and ask ME how i feel sometimes, u know what i mean?  

ok i am gonna wrap this up.